Scanxiety...the fear of getting scan results back. I didn't make up the word. I read it on a website, but it definitely fits me. I have a CT scan and MRI coming up next week, and the anxiety has been growing daily. It is always like this for me before a scan.
I finished radiation about two months ago, and have been back at work since the end of March. Working has been good for my soul...it helps me to focus on something besides me. I have been feeling good. The doctor wasn't kidding about the exhaustion, though. When I first got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. So much so that I thought something was wrong. But the doctor said considering the amount of radiation he gave me to a major organ, it was completely normal. That has gotten better with time, but I am still pretty wiped by the end of the day.
The hope is that the radiation killed the main tumor, and that the smaller lesions that were spotted during surgery just...stay dormant, go away, or are already dead. They have always been too small to show up on scans, so we don't know. The doctor said that the first post-radiation scan is the least informative. What they are looking for is the dead cancer cells to be absorbed by the body, and this takes time so it often doesn't start showing up for months. My scanxiety has to do with the lesions...I am afraid a scan will show that they have started growing, and we'll be back to square one. My husband keeps reminding me that I always start worrying like this before a scan, and make myself completely crazy, and then get good news. I'm hoping that's what happens this time! It's just so hard...
So I will continue to do what I have been doing. I will try to think only positive thoughts. I will meditate and pray and visualize my tumors shriveling up and dying. I will drink my kale, spinach, banana, strawberry, flaxseed shakes every morning - you have no idea how icky they are - and hope that somehow I am doing something to help myself. I will keep smiling, even when I don't feel like it, because it does feel good to smile - and who needs frown lines? I will keep trying to live today and not waste it with worry. When all of this still isn't enough, I take an Ativan. What the hell - they help!
So...keep your fingers crossed for me and for beautiful scans. Then I can postpone the scanxiety...until the next scan, anyway!
xoxo Joanna
