The end of chemo...?

December 27th marked, hopefully, my last day of chemo.  I say "hopefully" because that is the plan for now.  I am scheduled to have Proton-Beam Radiation during the first three weeks in February.  The oncologist is confident that will kill the original tumor.  Then it is a matter of scans every 3 months to monitor things.  We are hoping the little lesions will just remain dormant or are dead, but there is no way of knowing.  They are too small to show up on a CAT scan or an MRI.  But they are there, and I can't pretend they aren't.  My doctor said it would be a "long shot" for nothing to pop back up...partly because of the lesions being there, and partly because of the hideous nature of the cancer I have...it reoccurs more than 50% of the time.  But, you know what?  I am not a statistic...I am Joanna.  I was told it was an incredible long shot for my tumor to ever shrink enough to get rid of, yet it did.  And I refuse to live fearful everyday of what will happen.
The doctor told me they never tell people "You are cancer-free"  when they get a clean scan, because they know that sometimes there are things they can't see.  They instead say, "Your scan was clean."  I am hoping to hear this every 3 months.
Between now and radiation will be a busy time.  I have to have another CAT scan, even though I just had one.  The radiation protocol calls for a scan within a month of radiation, so off to Worcester I go on Thursday to visit with my friends, the scan techs. We are on a first-name basis now, and one of them always points out that my birthday is the same as the lead singer of the group Phish, his favorite band. The CAT scans wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to drink the barium crap.  Oh, they try to hide the flavor by calling it "Mochachino..."  yeah, right.  Coffee flavored crap!
 Then, on the 7th I have a consult to go over the scan. The next day, it is back to Boston to have gold seeds implanted in my liver.  The seeds help them guide the radiation beams. I forgot to ask if they are 24 karat. I could be quite valuable after this! Apparently they implant them with a long needle, and I will be given good drugs, so bring it on! 
Then, on the 14th and 15th I have "breathing and mapping" sessions.  From what I can tell, this involves me holding my breath while they draw all over me.  Then I am free until the first Monday in February, which is my first day of radiation. In between all of these appointments I am going to continue to try to work, because very shortly I will be out of sick days...and then it is no pay when I'm out.  Yikes!  But whatever, I will do what I have to do.  And that's what credit cards are for anyway!
 Because radiation is 5 days a week for 3 weeks, I will be staying at the Hope Lodge in Worcester (the one in Boston is full).  This is a place where I can stay for free, and they will shuttle me to and from radiation.  While it is a blessing that I have a free place to stay, my kids are having a hard time with the fact that I will be away from them.  Well, actually, Zach seems to be doing okay. He is definitely a more "go with the flow" kind of kid.  He has told me that although he doesn't like the idea of my being away, he knows I can come home on the weekends and he will be alright.  Sam, on the other hand, has let me know that 5 nights away at a time is too much.  "Two nights is all I can do," he said.  He gets teary whenever we talk about it, and then refuses to talk.  So we write to each other instead.  I set up a "mailbox" in his room (his toolbox), and we write back and forth and he is able to get his feelings out this way.  He is sad, which makes me sad. His biggest upset is that I will be away on my birthday, and we will have to celebrate it the next day.  I reminded him that last year both he and Zach were barfing on my birthday and we had to celebrate later in the week...but this hasn't helped.  I have been in contact with the school social worker at their school to help them out during this time.  And I told him he can even skip a day of school to come visit me if he needs to.  In the meantime, we will practice our Skype skills.
So, at the end of the three weeks, my oncologist says my big tumor will be dead.  He is quite sure.  Apparently the Proton-Beam Radiation is powerful stuff.  From what I understand, it is able to deliver higher doses of radiation in a safer way than regular radiation.  Less of the nearby tissue is harmed.  Side effects are extreme fatigue, some scarring on the skin, and sometimes stomach issues.  Since my tumor is close to my stomach, this may be an issue.  I have had lots of stomach pains the last couple of months due to chemo.  Apparently, because chemo kills fast-growing cells and stomach lining contains these kinds of cells, gastritis can be common.  All I know is, if I forget to take my two doses of Zantac everyday I wake up in excruciating pain.  Luckily I don't forget that often, so it isn't bad.
My doctor wants me to take about 4 weeks off after radiation to recover.  I just smile and say "We'll see."  I have to remind him that I tend to bounce back faster than they think I will.  We will enter into what I like to call "negotiations" when radiation is done.  I am confident I can talk him down a week or so! I will go stir crazy if not.
So that's the plan for now, people.  Keep me in your thoughts, pray, chant, bang a drum, or do whatever you like...just try to send some positive energy my way.  While I try my best to be  upbeat and positive, sometimes the reality of my situation slaps me in the face and completely knocks me for a loop.  But I am a fighter and I will continue to kick cancer's ass...I just know it.