What I have learned...

What I have learned from having cancer...

I know a woman who beat cancer twice.  She is the most spiritual, giving person I have ever met.  One thing she told me was that she has come to view having  had cancer as a gift, because it taught her so many things about life.  She considers her bouts with cancer to be positive experiences that shaped her life.

She is obviously a better person than I am.

I know one thing for sure:  I will never, NEVER be glad I had cancer.  Even if I live to be 100, I will never consider it a blessing in disguise. Because, although I have learned many things from this experience, and some of them have been positive, the scary, horrible, soul-sucking times will never disappear from my memory.  I will never forget the nights I have curled up next to one of my sleeping boys, crying, whispering promises that I will fight, or apologies for what I am about to put them through.  The gut-wrenching fear of wondering whether they will grow up motherless is seared in my brain.  It is a pain that I can't ever forget.  So no, I will never be able to say that having cancer was a positive thing.  But I'd be a fool if I didn't try to learn something from this; if I didn't embrace some of the incredibly positive things that have come from going through this.Which, my friends, is different than viewing cancer as a positive...it is the enemy, and always will be.

So, here is what I have learned so far...and I know this is a work in progress!

First of all, I married the right man.  Period.  Well, actually, Exclamation point!  From the beginning he has been my strength, my positive energy, and my biggest champion.  His belief that I will overcome this has never wavered, and he has pulled me out of my deep old pits many times.  Joey is my rock, my best friend, my soulmate.  Yup, I definitely married the right man.

Secondly, wonderful, generous, kind-hearted souls are all around us.  I never realized how many truly amazing people I have in my life.  It is unbelievable. When I think of all of the people who have stepped forward to embrace me during this time, I can't help but cry.  First, there are my friends.  They have rallied around me and let me know I am never alone in this.  I always have an ear to listen,  a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold when I need it.  They call, text, pop in, or shoot me emails to check in all the time.  They drive me to chemo, make me dinner, watch my kids, and just generally make me realize how lucky I am to have them in my life.  They are the true definition of friends...and you know who you are!
Then there are the people from my church...Church of Christ, Congregational of Newington.  When Joe and I decided we wanted to belong to a church about 6 years ago,  we "church shopped."  We had very specific ideas of what we wanted for us and our kids...a place that welcomes everyone, that holds the same beliefs that we do about equality for all, and a place that would help us teach our children compassion, community involvement, and give them a sense of belonging.  Well, let me tell you, we picked the right place!  I never dreamed I would form so many friendships with so many awesome people.  And through this nightmare our church has given me light and hope.  From the start, I was bombarded with cards and well wishes.  A prayer shawl was sent over to help me find comfort during those first, incredibly scary weeks.  Someone set up a MealTrain for us...so every Tuesday and Thursday night somebody cooks dinner for us.  It was something I fought against at first.  I kept telling our minister it wasn't necessary, that I felt okay.  I was embarrassed to have so much help.  But she convinced me that people wanted to do something for us and this gave them a way to help.  As I have become more and more tired from the chemo, it has literally been a Godsend!  I don't know what I would do without all of these wonderful people.
And finally, there are the people I work with.  I have always loved where I work...McGee Middle School.  You will not find a finer group of people anywhere.  I have always felt that way, but they have confirmed it for me these last few months.  My special ed. department chipped in and bought me an IPad 3 to keep me occupied during chemo. Can you imagine??  The ladies of the building put together a basket of their favorite books for me to read.  I have been given gift cards, restaurant cards, and they have even collected gas money to help with my numerous treks to Boston.  How amazing is all of that???  In addition, there are the daily well-wishes from my co-workers who let me know that with one word they will cover my class if I need to put my feet up, and who have pretended that my chemo-induced acne really isn't that bad!  I love them, one and all.

Third, I realize that there are some things I can control in this whole experience.  A woman I work with, Linda, (she will be a whole other blog!) taught me that the mind is an amazing thing.  If it can heal a cut or a bruise, why not cancer?  She keeps reminding me to make sure by brain is telling my body that it is healing...and then my body will believe it.  In my next blog I will write about her, and all of the "non-traditional" things I have done that I think have helped...well, they haven't hurt, anyway.  Changing my eating habits with the help of a nutritionist has not only helped me keep my blood counts where they need to be, but I am 45 pounds lighter than I used to be.  How's that for positive, huh?

So, while this has been a horrific experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, as you can see there is always some light in the darkness. Lessons can be learned from even the most hideous of circumstances.   I would give anything if I didn't have to figure this out in this way, but I will embrace what I have learned and hopefully use it to help someone else someday. 
I'll be talking to you...